Lucius Malfoy Must Die
by SokkasFirstFangirl
Summary: Lucius has had the best night of his life and must tell someone! The only person around is three year old Sirius. Later Sirius says the new words he has learnt much to the anger of Andromeda. Oh dear!


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_Hi guys! _

_This little plot bunny popped into my head during a very random conversation with Jade and Tanya. We were talking about Lucius accidentally teaching baby Sirius swear words and it quickly became a conversation about Lucius telling baby Sirius about how "great Narcissa is in bed." _

_Yes- We are quite insane. _

_I talked to f*cking dust when I was four trying to turn the dust into an army! I told my teacher that I can't "follow" the lines when trying to trace the alphabet because "the lines aren't moving May so I can't follow them!"_

_Everyone thought I was a complete retard...and then I'd say something smart and they'd all be shocked._

_XD_

_Making people think I'm nuts will never get old!_

_...This is completely off topic..._

_Wow I really am insane. T.T_

_Coolio! :D_

_Anyway enjoy Lucius being on the receiving end of the Black girl's wrath!_

_If this chapter goes well I might add Rodolphus Lestrange and Rabastan Lestrange later on. :)_

_And by the way I boosted up Narcissa's age in this story otherwise it wouldn't work. _

_Because I think Narcissa is only meant to be a year or two older than Sirius but in this story she's sixteen and Lucius is seventeen...so his age has been boosted too!_

_Enjoy!_

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**Disclaimer- I own nothing sadly.**

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_Listening to- High School Never Ends- Bowling For Soup_

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"Now Lucius for the love of Merlin you can't tell anyone about this since we're not married yet" said Narcissa to Lucius for the millionth time.

"I promise Cissy" said Lucius. "I won't tell _anyone. _Merlin only knows what Andromeda would do to me if she found out!"

**...**

Three hours later...

**...**

Teenage Boy Syndrome had kicked in and Lucius was dying to tell someone that he had sex with Narcissa.

He sighed. Rodolphus and Rabastan weren't at Grimmauld Place for Christmas dinner yet so he couldn't tell them.

If he told Bellatrix she'd run to her dad who would then Crucio Lucius.

If he went to Andromeda she'd kill him the Muggle way.

If he went to Uncle Orion he'd tell his brother (Narcissa's father) who would then Crucio Lucius.

If he told Walburga...well she wouldn't really listen and he wanted someone to listen.

He looked at three year old Sirius sitting on the floor. Sirius was playing with one of his teddies and there was a giddy smile on his face.

Lucius had an equally giddy smile on his face as he got an idea.

He walked over to Sirius and sat next to him.

"Siri" he said "I have something very important to tell you mate. You see Narcissa and I had sex-"

"What's sex?" asked Sirius curiously.

"I'll explain that later" said Lucius. "For now please listen to me okay kiddo?"

"Okay" said Sirius smiling.

"You see Sirius these are Big Boy things so you can't tell your mother okay?"

"Okay Lucy."

"Siri please don't call me that."

"I'll stop calling you Lucy when you stop calling me Siri" said Sirius grinning.

"Evil bugger" Lucius muttered and then said "So Sirius, Cissy and I had sex. It is fucking awesome Sirius-"

"What's fucking?" asked Sirius with his head tilted to one side.

"It's a swear word. It's a naughty word" said Lucius.

"Then why are you saying it?"

"Because big boys can say it" said Lucius. "Anyway Sirius here's what happened..."

**...**

Another three hours later...

**...**

The kids were all upstairs in the play room. Dinner was finished at long last and they no longer had to listen to the adults talk about the Ministry!

Andromeda was talking with Bellatrix and Narcissa, Lucius was in the corner with Rabastan and Rodolphus and Sirius and Regulus were on the floor playing with their toys.

They were waving two of their teddies in the air and Sirius swung his arm so hard that his teddy went flying and hit Rabastan in the head.

"Sirius that almost hit my eye you git!" said Rabastan rubbing his head and picking up the teddy.

"Don't call him a git!" snapped Andromeda.

"Sod off Andy."

"Give me back my teddy!" said Sirius.

"No" said Rabastan tossing the teddy in the air and catching it. It was amusing to make Sirius angry, it usually resulted in funny accidental magic.

Sirius stood up and folded his arms glaring at Rabastan. He looked quite adorable despite his anger, if anything the anger made him cuter.

"Give me back the fucking teddy you wanker!" yelled Sirius.

Rabastan dropped the teddy in shock.

Rodolphus choked on his own breath. One sentence echoed through his mind- what just happened?

Narcissa fell off her chair in shock.

Bellatrix burst out laughing saying "What do you know, he can be useful! He's entertaining!"

Andromeda gaped at Sirius, then at the wall, then at Sirius again and then she buried her face in her hands wondering who taught her sweet baby cousin how to swear.

Lucius went pale. He didn't think Sirius would actually use those words!

Regulus went on playing with his teddy happily oblivious to the scene unfolding around his cute little two year old self. Ah innocence, it makes you miss out on funny things.

"Sirius" said Andromeda with forced calm. "Who taught you those words honey?"

Sirius beamed putting on the wide eyed innocent look. "Lucy did" he said pointing at Lucius.

Bellatrix started laughing again. Maybe Malfoy was good for something after all!

Andromeda stood up and slowly turned to Lucius glaring at him as though willing him to burst into flames.

"You taught Sirius how to swear?" she hissed.

"Now Andy I-"

"Shut up! Just _shut up! _There is _nothing _you can say to make this better Malfoy!" screamed Andromeda. "You're corrupting Sirius!"

"And he told me about sex!" said Sirius still beaming. "And he said that Cissy is an animal in bed." He turned to a gaping Narcissa. "I didn't know you were an Animagus Cissy!" said Sirius. "When did you learn that?"

Andromeda exploded.

"SO NOT ONLY DID YOU TEACH MY POOR BABY SWEAR WORDS YOU HAD SEX WITH MY SISTER YOU BASTARD!"

"Andy I-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! YOU HAVE RUINED SIRIUS' AND NARCISSA'S INNOCENCE! I OUGHT TO TELL MY FATHER! I OUGHT TO TELL ALPHARD! HE'LL CASTRATE YOU AND CHOP OFF YOUR TONGUE WHICH IS NO LESS THAN YOU DESERVE! I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP! I WILL CRUCIO YOU! AZKABAN IS WORTH IT MALFOY! I'M NOT A BLACK FOR NOTHING!"

All was silent after Andromeda's rant except for Bellatrix's insane giggling and Sirius happily humming the word "bastard" under his breath which only made Andromeda angrier.

Narcissa was also angry.

"YOU TOLD?" she shrieked at Lucius.

"Look I had to tell someone!" said Lucius.

"YOU SWORE YOU WOULDN'T!" Narcissa screamed. "AND NOT ONLY DID YOU TELL BUT YOU TOLD THE THREE YEAR OLD! YEAH THAT WAS FUCKING SMART WASN'T IT? AND NOW HE'S SWEARING!"

"I told him it was good" said Lucius meekly.

"AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?"

And again everyone was quiet even Bellatrix and Sirius.

But then Rodolphus, being the idiot he was, opened his big mouth.

"Dude you had sex and didn't tell us?" he asked Lucius.

"OH THAT IS _IT!_" shrieked Andromeda before Narcissa could do anything and she lunged forward tackling Lucius to the ground punching every inch of him she could reach...so everywhere really.

"GO ANDY!" yelled Bellatrix cackling madly. "HIT HIM IN THE NUTS!"

Narcissa stormed from the room more than likely going to get Alphard because Walburga certainly wouldn't do anything to help.

**...**

Alphard came in moments later with Narcissa at his heels and he pulled Andromeda (who was still kicking and screaming as he did so) off of Lucius.

"Andy dear may I ask why you were trying to kill your sister's fiancée?" he asked as though Andromeda trying to kill Lucius was a perfectly normal thing.

"He taught Siri how to swear!" said Andromeda. "And he taught him about sex Alphie! He taught a three year old boy about sex!"

Alphard turned to Lucius who was struggling to get back to his feet.

"Is this true Lucius?"

"Er...well...I didn't think he even understood what I was saying!" said Lucius nervously.

"Bullshit!" said Sirius giggling. "You explained everything! You even told me how big Cissy's boobies are!"

"I'm sorry what?" said Alphard.

"Lucy told me that he and Cissy had sex!" chirped Sirius grinning.

Alphard turned to look at Lucius. Then he looked at Andromeda, then at Narcissa, then at Sirius and Regulus then back to Lucius.

"Andromeda you can continue trying to kill him, just let me get Sirius and Regulus out of the way dear" said Alphard and with that he scooped Sirius and Regulus into his arms and walked calmly out of the room, saying casually over his shoulder "Be sure to clean up any blood dear!"

Andromeda turned to Lucius with an evil grin on her face as Narcissa, Rodolphus and Rabastan ran from the room and Bellatrix casually strolled to stand next to Andromeda.

"Can I help Andy?" she asked grinning insanely.

"I'd love the help thanks Bella" said Andromeda smiling at her sister.

Bellatrix grinned wider and closed the door and turned to Lucius still grinning insanely.

"So you thought you'd get away with taking our sister's innocence and teaching our cousin swear words eh Malfoy?" she asked sweetly.

"Um..."

"You see Malfoy" said Andromeda. "We're Blacks and when someone pisses a Black off, that person gets hurt. You've pissed us off, so you're going to get hurt."

**...**

Lucius' screams of pain could be heard from downstairs but Alphard waved off the other adult's concerns saying that Lucius Malfoy was being taught a lesson that he would most certainly _never _forget.

**...**

**A/N: And finally Andromeda and Bellatrix agree on something- Lucius Malfoy must die! Please review! :D**


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